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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29159523">What I do When I'm Not Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeltingAutumn/pseuds/MeltingAutumn'>MeltingAutumn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(tubbo and dream mentioned), Angst, Feelings, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic, a little bit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:22:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,986</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29159523</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeltingAutumn/pseuds/MeltingAutumn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ranboo seeks out the one person who might understand what it's like to be manipulated by Dream.</p><p>or, Ranboo and Tommy have a much needed conversation</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>no - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>291</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What I do When I'm Not Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ranboo has only heard bits and pieces of what Tommy went through in exile.</p><p> </p><p>He has his guesses. He remembers holding a trembling Tubbo as he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed after trying to visit his friend, mumbling on about how he had jumped and taken his life. Ranboo remembers his heart dropping into the pit of his stomach, his mouth going dry as his eyes watered. He remembers squeezing his friend tight and wondering what had happened on that island to push Tommy so far. For him to make a decision such as that.</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo remembers his letters. His oddly-written messages that made him uneasy, but not wary of anything this drastic. He hardly saw him, anyway. He couldn’t have known how serious things had gotten.</p><p> </p><p>Dream had been the one visiting every day, right?</p><p> </p><p>These thoughts had subsided, of course, the moment he found Tommy alive and well at Techno’s house in the snow.</p><p> </p><p>But he doesn’t miss it when Tommy goes rigid entering the Nether. He had glued himself to Techno’s side and assertively demanded that he stay close, head swiveling around at each little noise as though he were about to get jumped at any moment.</p><p> </p><p>It was odd to see such genuine fear in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo only popped in to Techno’s house a few times during this era. Partly because he wanted to see his friends, and partly due to genuine curiosity of what they were up to out here in the middle of nowhere. Not that Tommy could really go anywhere else, he supposes.</p><p> </p><p>But one day, he had made the trek before the sun had even risen. The dawn was just beginning to filter over the mountain tops when he reached to knock on the door, starting to regret leaving so early. Surely no one would answer at this hour. He might have to sit in the cold for a while.</p><p> </p><p>He pauses before knocking. He can hear voices.</p><p> </p><p>Walking back down the steps to follow the sound, he steps towards the ground entrance and finds the door a crack open. Shuffling against the wall and leaning in, he listens.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I don’t have any ar-armor to give, just- just take- uh-“</p><p> </p><p>“Tommy, I’m not trying to take armor. I asked you what you were doing in the chest room.”</p><p> </p><p>“Please, Dream, don’t be mad, don’t-“</p><p> </p><p>Techno’s voice seems to soften when he replies next. “Tommy. Tommy, look at me.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a silence that follows. When Ranboo dares to peek through the doorway, he sees Techno holding both of Tommy’s arms in iron grips, while Tommy’s expression changes from dazed to alert in the slow span of about ten seconds. When this bout of silence finally passes, Tommy flinches and tries to take a step backwards, held secure by the other’s vices. “Techno?”</p><p> </p><p>“You were sleepwalking again. Go back to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo leans away from the doorway with a frown, deciding to go for a walk.</p><p> </p><p>Dream is in his head, Dream is in his book, Dream is in the thank you notes left behind after the Community House gets blown to smithereens, when Tommy’s house is caught on fire, when things go wrong, wrong, wrong. And Ranboo is confused and alone and scared, and when he thinks he can finally face Dream on his own in the confines of Sam’s prison, even there doesn’t feel safe.</p><p> </p><p>And it’s during these moments that things begin to click in place.</p><p> </p><p>He’s sitting on Tommy’s bench. He sits there for a while, overlooking the sunset. It really is a beautiful spot. He fiddles with his thumbs and frowns to himself, his mind a whirlwind of emotion and fear and confusion. Nobody would understand what has been transpiring within him, and nobody would be able to hear him out without labeling him as crazy.</p><p> </p><p>Well, maybe one person could.</p><p> </p><p>“Oi, get off my bench, you prick. Did I say you could sit there?”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo slowly looks up at Tommy, who has a pickaxe slung over his shoulder and dirt on his clothes and face. The sky is only beginning to turn dark, and mobs would begin to spawn soon, but Ranboo makes no move to leave his spot.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you, deaf? Shoo!”</p><p> </p><p>“Tommy, can I talk to you?”</p><p> </p><p>Tommy seems to consider this for a moment. “No. Go away.”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo doesn't move, but he does look down to avoid his hostile gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m about to start sabbin’ shit if you don’t get a move on.” Tommy bites back, twirling his pickaxe one-handed.</p><p> </p><p>“I think Dream has been manipulating me.”</p><p> </p><p>All the emotion on Tommy’s face drains almost instantly. His complexion goes pale and he stares at him as if he had grown three heads, his grip on the pickaxe tightening until his knuckles turn white. But the moment doesn’t last long, however, before Tommy seems to shake himself out of his stupor and pick his shoulders up again. “And what makes you think I want to hear about it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I… I thought you…” Ranboo frowns, picking at his fingers. “I thought you might… relate?”</p><p> </p><p>Tommy scoffs at that, moving to keep walking. “Well, you’d be wrong. Goodbye.”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo doesn’t watch him leave. He curls his fingers together and leans forward on his knees, feeling his heart sink into his stomach. The wind grows colder, and a shiver crawls up his spine. He can’t bring himself to move.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Why did I bother?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>A moment passes. Two. Three. And then he jumps at the sound of Tommy’s voice again, suddenly right behind him. “What, um, makes you think he’s been manipulating you?”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo swivels his head to look over his shoulder. Tommy had stowed his items into his house, and had returned to stand behind the bench with his hands in his pockets. They lock gazes for a moment. It’s a jarring image to see Tommy’s tired eyes stare back at him with a pained intensity, as if the whirlwind in Ranboo’s mind was getting mirrored right back at him.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s just… it… I don’t know. It’s confusing. I don’t fully understand it myself.” Ranboo admits, frowning to himself.</p><p> </p><p>“I get that.” Tommy responds absently, tearing his gaze away to take a seat next to Ranboo on the bench.</p><p> </p><p>“You know I have memory problems, but I also have problems with… zoning out I guess? And I’m pretty sure he knows it and has… been taking advantage of that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Really? By doing what?” Tommy asks, leaning forward a little.</p><p> </p><p>“I think he’s been making me, uh, do things for him. Bad things.” Ranboo says, hesitant. “And since I’m in that state, I don’t remember it, but I still hear his voice in my thoughts, and I think he still has control over me. And I want it to stop.” His voice shrivels at the end of the sentence, and he presses his lips into a thin line to keep his chin from trembling.</p><p> </p><p>Tommy seems to sit on this for a minute, frowning, but Ranboo continues to speak before he gets a chance to. “What did Dream do to you in exile, Tommy?”</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t get an immediate response. Instead, the night begins to fall over them and the stars begin to fade in across the sky, lowering the veil of dusk. “Bad things.” He finally says, crossing his arms.</p><p> </p><p>“Like what?” Ranboo presses gently, his fingers curling around the lip of the bench.</p><p> </p><p>Tommy furrows his brow, but doesn’t look at his companion. “He… would blow up my things every day. My armor. I never usually got further than iron. He, um… I felt very alone out there. And I think he did some things behind my back to keep me alone.”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo waits for more, but Tommy shuts his mouth and frowns to himself, lost in thought. So he kicks his feet a little and dares to ask him, “What was the giant pillar about?”</p><p> </p><p>At this, Tommy pales and quietly asks, “You saw that?”</p><p> </p><p>With a shake of his head, Ranboo looks at the grass beneath him. “No, Tubbo did. I remember he went to go visit you and came back inconsolable. He told me you had… built a giant pillar and jumped.”</p><p> </p><p>All the color drains from Tommy’s face as he bows his head further. “I didn’t mean to uh… I…” And then he sighs. Ranboo catches sight of him shiver in the cool night air. “Dream punished me worse than usual that day. He blew up Logstedshire and everything else I had. I was already in… a bad place, so…”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo nods. “I’m sorry you went through that.”</p><p> </p><p>At that, Tommy scoffs. “I don’t want your fuckin’ pity.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure you don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>They fall silent again. Tommy straightens his back and leans against the wood, as if attempting to sweep aside his emotions and direct it back at Ranboo. “What did you do for Dream? While you were… y’know.”</p><p> </p><p>Heart flopping over in his chest, Ranboo takes a rattling breath and attempts to ease his shaking hands. “W-Well, uh…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey it’s only fair, I told you everything.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m worried you won’t want to talk to me after you hear what I’ve done.”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo doesn’t look at Tommy. Can’t bear to.</p><p> </p><p>But his companion is still waiting expectantly for his answer, so he tries to find the resolve to give it.</p><p> </p><p>Something inside Ranboo breaks. His heart shatters and his throat closes up and he presses his lips together to keep them from trembling. He pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them. Burying his face in the space between his knees, he draws in a sharp breath and waits for the inevitable crash of his sliver of hope. “I think Dream made me blow up the Community House. And set your house on fire.”</p><p> </p><p>Tommy doesn’t speak right away. Ranboo is waiting for the snap- the moment Tommy turns hostile and starts yelling. Should he start running now? Maybe this was a bad idea.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean as far as I’m concerned, Dream was the one that did those things, not you, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo takes pause at that, slowly pulling his head up. “D-did you hear me? Dream made me do those things.<em> I</em> did them.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you wouldn’t have on your own.” Tommy responds calmly. “You’re not like that, you’re all soft and shit. It’s just like you said, he manipulated you. And took advantage of you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo sniffles, hiding his face again.</p><p> </p><p>“I get it, man. He gets in your head an’ shit and makes you think everything is your fault.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what to do.” He whispers, his ear flicking nervously. “Sam would probably throw me in prison if he heard that I helped Dream do those things.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dude, listen to me! You didn’t do those things!” Tommy snaps.</p><p> </p><p>“I doubt anyone else would see it the same way.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then they’d be wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>Ranboo closes his eyes, tightening the grips on his knees. “I don’t know what to do.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Tommy says to him, his voice lowered as he kicks his feet out. “Dream fucked both of us over, we’re in this together. We’ll figure something out.”</p><p> </p><p>And to hear <em>Tommy</em> of all people pledge a loyalty to him makes his head swim, and his heart swells in his chest. He pries his face out of his knees and looks over at his companion, who stares back at him with a spark of determination that he wishes he could mirror. And his friend- his <em>friend</em>- gives him a confident nod that Ranboo returns meekly.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Tommy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t mention it. Feelings and shit aren’t my thing.”</p><p> </p><p>“If it means anything, I’m glad you’re still here.”</p><p> </p><p>And Tommy goes quiet at that, looking out at the darkness that had fallen over both of them, the breeze kicking through the tree canopy growing above the bench.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Ranboo.”</p>
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